Nearly seedy NJ Hamlet Enacts ‘Calf Tattoo Cover-Up’ Mandate for Sundays
In a move that’s left locals scratching their heads (and their calves), Manchester Township, NJ, has passed a bizarre ordinance requiring residents with calf tattoos to cover them every Sunday.
“You go into a WaWa or Quick Check for your regular macaroni salad or a pack of cigs, maybe a Monster drink or whatever and all you see are people with calf tattoos. It’s like they all moved here from a prison or something. Hey, maybe they did. I mean, they all look a little trashy, let’s face the facts.” [Georgie (last name withheld). Manchester, NJ]
The rule, effective immediately, mandates long pants or knee-high socks to shield “offensive ink” from public view on Sundays, citing “community aesthetics.”
Mayor Joe Hankins, formerly a disgruntled tattoo artist himself, and sporting a suspiciously high sock line, defended the law: “Sundays are for serenity, not skulls and roses or Guns and Roses or whatever the hell you call it.”
Violators face a $50 fine or they can opt to donate $50.00 to the Church of Reverend Doctor Quandrell Foster, a minister who has sided strongly against tattooing of any kind ever since his long time lady friend Lou-Kreesha Reeves lost her right arm when a botched tattoo of a shamrock on her wrist became infected in late 2020.
“Now I call my lady Leftie because you have to face these things with humor. It’s not funny but God on high, in his infinite mercy, probably thinks it’s kind of funny. You see, that girl weighs well over three-fifty (350 lbs.) and she was going around saying that the tattoo on her wrist was slimming. Slimming? Can you imagine that shit? No, it was not slimming, especially when it got all swolled (sic) up and nasty and what not. This lady used to be my right hand, you know? And now, well, there are far too many tattoos in this here town of Manchester. This is not healthy and it is not dignified.” [Reverend Dr. Q.D. Foster]
Residents are fuming. “I got my dolphin tat for my mom!” cried Sally J*****, 42, now doomed to sweat in overly tight and age-inappropriate jeans. Sally’s mom , who passed away in 2017, worked at a dolphin-stranding point in Cape May County.
“Mom’s job was watching to see when a dolphin beached itself. She was pretty strong, and she could grab a stranded dolphin and drag it back into waist-deep water in no time flat. She saved a lot of dolphins until one day. when she was dragging a stranded…uh…well…turns out it wasn’t a dolphin. We had to have her wake in three different funeral homes.” [Sally **** Manchester resident]
Tattoo artist Vinny “Inky” Malone called it “a war on art,” but his argument lost all credibility when it was determined that he wasn’t even a tattoo artist. He was just a guy who hung around the Krauszers.
Rumors swirl the ordinance targets a local biker gang’s flaming skull tattoos, but the Mayor denies denies it.
Meanwhile, sock sales at Manchester’s Dollar General have spiked 300%.
“I always told people that I would buy my socks at DollarGeneral but some people prefer Dollar Tree. I say, why spend a dollar tree when you can spend a dollar. Tree cents times a hundred pairs of socks is a buck fifty. ($1.50.) {Rocco-Mario Cavatelli, Manchester loan shark.]
Some suspect that Jeff Bezos is just trying to sell socks. As one anonymous resident grumbled, “What’s next, covering tramp stamps on Tuesdays?” Manchester’s Sundays just got a lot less leggy.
