Hated by Both Sides? Even during the Trump years? Yikes!
Ah, John Bolton, the man with the mustache that looks like it was glued on by a meth-addicted taxidermist
This former national security advisor, UN ambassador, and perpetual warmonger has somehow managed to piss off everyone from peacenik liberals to isolationist conservatives. It’s like he’s the human embodiment of a bad blind date—everyone leaves feeling used, betrayed, and vaguely nauseous.
In a town where grudges are currency, Bolton’s the guy who forged the counterfeit bills.
Let’s break down why both sides of the aisle treat him like a plague-ridden skunk at a garden party, shall we?
Buckle up, bruh. This one is going to be too easy, unless of course the FBI’s recent U-haul from his home and office sees Bolton himself being hauled to the Big House.
Let’s start with the Democrats, the doves with intestinal parasite, who wouldn’t know a drone strike from a celebratory non-gender reveal party. They loathe Bolton because he’s the poster boy for everything wrong with American imperialism on steroids. Back in 2005, when George W. Bush tried to shove him into the UN ambassador slot, Senate Dems filibustered like their lives depended on it—because, let’s face it, they did.
Bolton’s the guy who once quipped that if the UN building lost 10 stories, “it wouldn’t make a bit of difference.” Charming! He bullied intelligence analysts into hyping threats to justify the Iraq War debacle, a clusterfuck that killed hundreds of thousands and turned the Middle East into a perpetual dumpster fire.
Liberals see him as a neocon Frankenstein, stitched together from the worst parts of Dick Cheney and a Bond villain, hell-bent on bombing Iran, North Korea, and probably your grandma’s bingo hall if it looked suspicious.
Then, because the bristles of his mustache were bothering him more than a walrus with folliculitis, Bolton turned on Trump in 2020. His tell-all (but worst-seller) book, The Room Where It Happened—spilling tea on how the orange one begged Xi Jinping for election help and greenlit Uyghur camps—Dems still hated him, but they liked that he hated Trump. That’s how it works in far left politics – The enemy of my enemy is still my enemy even if it’s Mother Teresa.
Why?
Because the greedy grey-haired manatee waited to testify during impeachment, opting instead for a $2 million book deal. “Unpatriotic profiteer!” they cried, as if Bolton’s sudden spine was just a plot twist for Netflix. He’s like that ex who ghosts you during the divorce but writes a memoir about your dirty laundry—useful intel, but what a sleazy prick.
Now, flip to the Republicans, or at least the MAGA-flavored ones who’ve turned the GOP into a Trump personality cult, although Trump has a lot of personality, good, bad or otherwise. These folks once worshipped Bolton as their hawkish high priest, the guy who’d nuke bad guys before breakfast. But oh, how the mustache has fallen! MAGA seems now to be very anti-war which is the hallmark of their leader.
When Bolton got the boot from Trump’s White House in 2019—after clashing over not bombing enough dictators—the Donald called him a “disgruntled boring fool who only wanted to go to war.” This was incredibly observant, even for Trump who fails to see the Dr. Evil aspect to Vladimir Putin. To be fair, surely Trump sees Vlad as The Impaler, but he still thinks he can finesse him into some semblance of sanity.
Couched words from me, but fair and well worth it; Bolton’s idea of diplomacy is a regime-change PowerPoint. Conservatives who bought into Trump’s “America First” isolationism see Bolton as a relic of the Bush-era neocon wars that drained trillions and got soldiers killed for oil and WMD pipe dreams.
Rand Paul, a well-meaning doctor/politician, and a man who needs to swap out the pink permanent wave rods for the blue ones in his Toni Home Permanent kit, called him “hell-bent on repeating every foreign policy mistake.”
Tucker Carlson dubbed him a “tapeworm.” Even old-school GOP hawks whisper he’s too extreme, like a bull in a china shop that’s already been bulldozed.
And then there’s that pesky book. Without Fox News to promote it shamelessly, it was the final unread nail in Bolton’s marine mammal coffin. Bolton didn’t just criticize Trump; he portrayed him as a buffoon who thought Finland was part of Russia and begged autocrats for reelection favors. Republicans justifiably branded him a traitor, a deep-state snake selling out for royalties.
Fast-forward to 2025: Trump’s back, and the FBI raids Bolton’s pad over classified docs from the book. MAGA cheers like it’s Christmas—”How does it feel, you lowlife?” tweets Dinesh D’Souza—while Bolton seethes about “retribution.” Why seethe? There is nothing wrong with retribution. Don’t Americans love films where the good guy comes back for the bad guys who wronged him? Ah, nuts, it’ll happen again in 2028, won’t it?
Even anti-Trump Republicans squirm; he’s their guy, but now he’s radioactive.
So why the bipartisan bile? Bolton’s a self-serving ideologue who flips loyalties like pancakes, always chasing the next war or windfall. He’s the ultimate Washington weasel: too hawkish for peaceniks, too interventionist for isolationists, and too disloyal for anyone with a spine. In a polarized world, he’s the rare unifier—everyone agrees he’s a mustache-twirling disaster. If politics is showbiz for ugly people, Bolton’s the villain who gets booed offstage by both crowds.
Long live the hate; it’s the one thing American can all agree on.
