The Crying Game: Jimmy Kimmel’s Monologue of Many Mascaras
JIMMY KIMMEL – A far CRY from funny
Stop the presses, grab the Kleenex, and check the humidity levels in Hollywood: Jimmy Kimmel is crying again. On Monday night, the man who once made a living getting people drunk on a trampoline officially completed his transition into America’s unappointed, over-moisturized national mourner. This time, the “Boss of Blubber” was weeping over Minneapolis, a city he now views through the tear-stained lens of a political activist who happens to have an ABC contract.
The Medical Mystery: Is it Heartbreak or PBA?
While the mainstream media calls it “bravery,” at least one medical maverick is suggesting a darker, more clinical explanation. Dr. Dean Traherne, a man who looks like he stepped off the set of a 1940s surgical thriller and into a world of late-night neurosis, isn’t buying the sincerity. “What we are witnessing isn’t necessarily a broken heart; it may be a broken circuit,” Traherne noted while puffing on a pipe in his wood-paneled study.
The doctor suggests Kimmel may be suffering from Pseudobulbar Affect (PBA)—a neurological condition characterized by uncontrollable episodes of crying that are completely out of proportion to the actual situation. “When a man begins to sob because he saw a video on his phone while sitting in a $20 million mansion, you have to ask if the tear ducts have simply gone rogue,” Traherne explains. “In my professional opinion, Jimmy’s nervous system has essentially become a leaky faucet. It’s not politics; it’s a plumbing issue in the prefrontal cortex.”
Jimmy spent the rest of his monologue doing what he does best: trembling at the lip and telling half of his audience that they are responsible for a “nightmare.” He’s “shocked,” he’s “sick,” and he’s visibly struggling to breathe between bouts of virtue signaling. It’s a remarkable performance. If Kimmel put half the effort into writing a punchline that he puts into hydrating his lower eyelids, his ratings might actually beat a repeat of The Price is Right.
Proverbs 26:23 (KJV)
“Burning lips and a wicked heart are like a potsherd covered with silver dross.”
This verse exposes the “silver dross” of Kimmel’s polished Hollywood exterior, suggesting that his fervent, “burning” speeches and tearful displays are merely a thin coating used to hide a deeper, more cynical political agenda from the public.
LET US PRAY:
Lord, we petition Thee to grant Jimmy Kimmel a single evening of dry eyes and actual humor. Protect our television screens from the salt-water damage of a man who confuses a monologue with a funeral oration. May his family in Minneapolis find peace, and may his writers find a coherent joke.
Deliver us from the tyranny of the celebrity sob, and remind us that a man who cries for a living is rarely a man of the people. Give us the strength to change the channel when the weeping begins, and lead us toward a late-night where the only thing being “executed” is a well-timed punchline.
