[MINNEAPOLIS, MN]– Relax, America. All those rumors about Governor Tim Walz quietly stepping away from politics for being a dumb broad can finally be put to rest. Sources close to the production confirm that disgraced Governorness Tim Walz has secured the starring role in the hotly anticipated national touring company of the classic French musical La Cage Aux Folles.
NOTE: This production will have a limited run because Tim Walz is limited and because he has to prepare for the title role in the latest musical, JOHN WAYNE GACY, THE MUSICAL!
The marquee, already blazing in glittering lights above the newly christened George Floyd Memorial Theatier Theater for the Arts (built on an area which once housed a police precinct, a Target superstore, and a short-lived Tesla dealership), proudly proclaims: “LA CAGE AUX FOLLES – STARRING TIM WALZ AS ALBIN.”
Casting Walz proved tricky, insiders say. The character of Albin is the flamboyant drag-queen star of the show, while his partner Georges (originally played in the French film by the dashing Ugo Tognazzi) is the more traditionally masculine nightclub owner. It was a tough call but when Tim Walz waltzed in for the auditions, we knew we had our ….gal.
Director Ben Nep-no-talent Stiller – straight off a string of unfunny movies – explained the dilemma:
“We needed someone who exists in that delicious gray area between the two leads. Tim walks in – gruff voice, Midwestern shoulders, face like a disappointed potato – and we thought, ‘Perfect. He’s too rugged and, frankly, too homely to pull off full Albin glamour, but he’s also… well… not exactly screaming ‘leading man’ either. He’s the missing link we’ve been searching for.”
Walz reportedly nailed the audition by belting out “I Am What I Am” in a register that one casting assistant described as “somewhere between a wounded walrus and a substitute shop teacher trying to hit the high notes.” The creative team was sold.
Rehearsals are already underway in a converted high-school gymnasium in St. Paul, where Walz has been spotted practicing his choreography in sensible brown loafers and a tampon-dispenser fanny pack (for quick access during emotional scenes). Co-star Gary LaBonte, playing Georges, gushed: “Tim brings a raw authenticity. When he cries on stage, you believe it – mostly because he looks like he’s about to cry in real life anyway.”
Importantly, this production has zero connection to that tacky, shtick-heavy 1996 American abomination The Birdcage, written and directed by the mega-shticky Harvey Fierstein. Theater officials confirm that every existing copy of that film is being systematically hunted down and destroyed in ceremonial bonfires across the Upper Midwest.
“We’re returning to the classy, sophisticated original,” one producer sniffed. “No Robin Williams flailing, no Nathan Lane shrieking – just pure elegance and Tim Walz in feathers.
”Opening night is scheduled for Valentine’s Day at the George Floyd Memorial Theater, with tickets priced at a democratic $19.99 (plus a mandatory $89.47 “equity facility fee”). Early reviews from dress rehearsals are glowing:
- “Walz’s ‘The Best of Times’ had the audience in tears – partly from emotion, partly from confusion.” – Minneapolis Star-Tribune (Gene Sequence Siskle)
- “I haven’t seen a man that comfortable in sequins since a party at J. Edgar Hoover’s cocktail parties.” – Anonymous usher (Lex Smith)
- “I simply cannot wait to see him in next season’s “JOHN WAYNE GACY – THE MUSICAL” (anonymous)
So fear not, progressives mourning the possible end of Walz’s political career. The man who once put free tampons in boys’ bathrooms is now bringing free glamour to middle America – one awkward kick-line at a time.
Break a leg, Tim. Or, knowing your stage presence, maybe just don’t fall over. The cage is waiting.
