Why? Because the Heart Plays the Long Game

We are conditioned to believe in the “Thunderbolt.” Modern culture suggests that attraction is a binary code: either the spark is there the moment your eyes meet, or the wire is dead. We are taught that if we don’t feel a magnetic pull within the first few minutes, that person belongs in a static category of “neutrality” where the scenery never changes. Sometimes, we suddenly fall in love with someone who used to turn out stomachs. Yes, it happens.

Life often proves that Thunderbolt “love at first sight” thing wrong.

There is a quieter, more profound phenomenon that defies the logic of instant chemistry. It is the experience of working alongside someone for a year—someone whose appearance you found unappealing, whose grooming was unkempt, or whose personality even grated on your nerves—and waking up one day to find they have become the center of your universe.

How does the brain override a year of “dislike” to switch on the lights of intense, distracting love?

The Biological Override: When Flaws Become Bonuses

When we first meet someone, we use a “top-down” visual filter. We compare them to our “type.” If they don’t fit—perhaps they have a bad complexion, or physical traits like thick facial hair or no facial hair or big breasts or flat chests – things we’ve spent a lifetime disliking—the brain files them under “Not Interested.”

However, when you are paired with someone in a work or training environment for a long period, a “bottom-up” process begins. You are breathing the same air and sharing the same stresses. Over time, the brain undergoes a radical shift: it stops looking at the individual parts and starts looking at the essence of the person.

In an extraordinary bit of mental alchemy, the very traits you once found “worst” begin to be re-coded. The unkempt hair, the yukky chest hair the bald head, the flat chest stops being a “flaw” and starts being a signature. Because those traits are attached to the person who is now providing you with companionship or intellectual stimulation, your brain begins to view those physical markers as “bonuses.” You don’t love them despite their unkempt nature; you begin to love the unkempt nature because it is them.

That mole on your head is no longer a turn off for me.

Friction and the Neural Flip

Interestingly, “not liking” someone initially can actually be a precursor to intense love. Friction creates heat. If a person is “kind of a jerk,” they are occupying a significant amount of your mental real estate. You are thinking about them, even if those thoughts are negative.

Eventually, the brain gets tired of the friction. In a sudden “flip,” the energy used for annoyance is redirected into infatuation. Because the neural pathways for “intense emotion” are already well-worn from a year of thinking about them, the love that results isn’t a trickle—it’s a flood. It becomes so distracting that it can feel impossible to focus on the job at hand.

The “Scent” of the Soul

While our eyes are busy judging a bad complexion, our nose is doing a different kind of math. When you work near someone for years, you are exposed to their pheromones and biological markers.

Science suggests that we are often attracted to people whose immune systems complement our own. This biological “pull” is much slower than a visual “pretty face.” It takes time to seep in. But once it does, it is far more powerful than a “sigh-worthy” face on a magazine cover. It is a deep, primal attraction that tells the brain: This is the one.

The Spiritual Foundation

There is a sacredness to seeing someone truly—not as a collection of physical traits, but as a whole being. This slow realization mirrors the way we are told to look at one another in a higher sense.

“For the Lord sees not as humans sees; for people look on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” — 1 Samuel 16:7

Why this is appropriate: This verse reminds us that human sight is often flawed and superficial, trapped by “types” and “perfection.” The “slow burn” is the closest we get to a divine perspective—where the outward “unkempt” shell falls away, and we are finally able to see the value of the soul beneath, eventually falling in love with the whole person, exactly as they are.

A Brief Prayer for Falling in Love

Dear Creator, Thank You for the mystery of the human heart and the way it surprises us. Thank You for the gift of truly seeing another person—beyond the surface, beyond our own prejudices, and beyond our “types.” As these feelings grow, grant us the clarity to honor the connection, the courage to follow where it leads, and the grace to handle the intensity with a steady spirit. Amen.