Kristi Noem: Secretary of Hair & Homeland – THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH LOOKING LIKE A PRETTY LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICER – but there is a limit.
Kristi Noem wants you to picture her as the iron-fisted border boss kicking doors and cuffing cartel animals. Maybe she is very effective, but what we actually get before us on TV press conferences is a woman who looks like she’s late for a QVC jewelry segment with Joan Rivers’ ghost.
Hair extensions are so long they need their own zip code. The lashes that could double as windshield wipers. Makeup so caked on you could serve birthday cake off her cheekbones. This is the face that’s supposed to strike terror into Tren de Aragua and MS-13. Instead it looks like it’s about to walk down Rue Paul’s runway.
While ICE agents are running on Red Bull and three hours of sleep, their secretary is in the mobile glam trailer demanding the stylist “blend the contour one more time.”
Raid starts at 0500? Hold the teleprompter; the lip liner needs sharpening.
Tom Homan shows up looking like he just chewed barbed wire for breakfast. Noem shows up looking like she just left a two-hour blowout and a filler appointment. One of them looks ready to drag murderers out of safe houses. The other looks ready to judge the swimsuit competition.
This isn’t “camera-ready.” This is full-on pageant drag in a bulletproof vest. Male DHS secretaries managed to face the nation without needing a personal glam squad on standby. Noem can’t walk ten feet without a ring light the size of a satellite dish and a stylist trailing behind with a can of hairspray big enough to fumigate the underside of John Wayne Gacy’s front porch.
The message is crystal clear: Even the dumbest gangbanger knows the woman in charge spent more time in the makeup chair than the situation room.
If she put half the energy into hunting criminals that she puts into hunting the perfect wing liner, we might actually believe the “toughest DHS secretary ever” hype. Until then, the only thing getting deported is our last ounce of respect.
Dear Secretary Noem — STOP WITH THE MAKEUP AND HAIR! IT’S STUPID!
